I Sont Find Amy Sxhumer Funny

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Comedic queen and humor hero Amy Schumer seems to employ two very specific strategies when it comes to making an audience literally keel over crying. Both extremely effective, albeit opposite approaches, she either 1) Explains everyday probs with an air of self-deprecation and/or 2) Goes straight for the sex jokes if all else fails. We happen to be fans of either or.

Because she knows her schtick—and knows it well—Schumer stuck with her tried and true stand-up formula (yep, personal put-downs and UTI references galore) in her latest special, HBO's Amy Schumer Live at the Apollo, which premiered last night. As our abs (or lack thereof, TBPH) recover from 60 minutes of non-stop laughing, we've decided to reflect back on the best quips from the show.

For your convenience, we've divided our favorite funnies into categories; the Office-Safe: the ones you wouldn't mind sending your co-workers over I.M. tomorrow morning and the NSFW: the ones that need never be repeated in front of your boss, but must be shared over cocktails. Here they are below. Enjoy...

First, the Office-Safe Schumer Jokes (These might help Monday feel a little less... Monday.)

1. On her personal trainer's ridiculous diet plan to get in shape pre-Trainwreck:

"He's like, okay, here's your new diet. So for breakfast, you'll have a smoothie. Then for lunch, you'll journal about that smoothie. And then you put a peanut under your pillow and you hope you dream about pizza."

2. On the harsh reality of dating:

"I was dating an infectious disease doctor, 'cause two
birds," she said with a knowing wink. "He wound up being like an
insane alcoholic and, uh, that's my thing. I feel like in most relationships
there's one alcoholic and one person who's sad about it. And I wanted to be
like the fun one!"

3. On wanting to look more like Kate Upton:

When describing what it was like to sit court side at a Lakers' game, she admitted, "The first person I saw was literally Kate Upton." Then she re-enacted how she looked down at her own body and came to this stark realization: "And I was like, 'Oh, I get it. I'm not a real woman. I'm
just harvesting organs for one.'"

4. On missing the news:

"[My friends] were all very upset about Ferguson and I was like, 'I know. I
can't believe he left the show.' I kept telling people I was going to do
the ISIS bucket challenge..."

5. On the pressure to be thin in Hollywood:

In L.A., "My arms register as legs. And my legs register as
firewood."

And now for the NSFW Schumer Jokes (At least wait until happy hour to rehash these.)

1. On that one time she dated a sex addict:

"Have you ever dated a sex addict? At first, it's so much fun.
You're like, 'Am I the hottest piece of ass in the world?' And then
you're like, 'Oh no. He would f—k a mailbox.'"

2. On wanting to cross the finish line, too:

"Women want to come. Of course we want to come! What girl is like, 'Oh no,
it's cool. I'm just honored to be witnessing your process? No, I don't want to
feel the one good thing we're allowed as humans. Just you. Please. Anywhere!'" *rolls eyes*

3. On the unrealistic idea that a girl like Rosario Dawson could ever be interested in a guy like Kevin James, à la 2011's Zookeeper:

"That movie's about talking animals—there's a beaver and a penguin that are friends and talk about opening a bed-and-breakfast—but that's not the most unrealistic part of that movie. It's Rosario pretending—she should get an Oscar for that f—ing movie. Let's see Meryl do that. I dare you, Meryl! Pretend like you're dying to have Kevin James deep-d–k you. I dare you. It's f—ed up in Hollywood."

4. On why she prefers New York City over L.A.:

"I love New York because this is a town where I can get laid. I can
catch a d here kinda whenevs, yeah. I was in L.A. for a while and can't there.
Just in case you've never been to L.A., it is filled with the most beautiful
people from all over the world...Everyone is pretty there. I saw a guy
cleaning a Pizza Hut bathroom. I would have paid this guy to f—k me, I would
have paid him good money. People don't even see me there. They're like, 'Is that a fat tumbleweed?'"

5. On the severe embarrassment of having a UTI:

"I just got my first UTI at 33 and nobody tells you how
embarrassing it's going to be. Like, 'How'd you get it?' You know how I got it! I had
sex and then I was too lazy to pee right after. I chose to lay there like a come dumpster just...a receptacle. Was I savoring the moment? What was I doing?"

😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

Oh, Amy Schumer, please never change.

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Source: https://www.elle.com/culture/movies-tv/a31236/amy-schumer-hbo-special-jokes/

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